Sorry. Not much to write about today. Other than the fact that my daughter can manipulate me on a regular basis to get what she wants. I try to resist, but her arguments are well thought out, and I find myself thinking "Hmmm, that makes sense" then I let her do what I told her 20 minutes ago she couldn't do. She wants me to treat her more like an adult, and is very hurt when she feels I don't trust her. There are certain rules that are unbreakable, her curfew for one, but others are more like guidelines than rules (I totally stole that from Pirates of the Caribbean). So when I say no sleepovers on weekdays, that really means, because of the huge sucker that I am, that she can have a sleepover in the middle of the week on a regular basis.

Just stamp "gigantic Pushover" on my forehead.

However, I find that Kiri is generally responsible, and my trust is validated. I need to be more firm with her however. I don't like feeling like a bulldozer just ran over all my credibility. I have to have SOME authority, for crying out loud. Wish my parents had been as cool as I am. Thank God she doesn't have access to my bank account. Hahahahahahaha.

I hate heavy furniture

This weekend we moved out our old dressers and computer desk, and moved in new stuff. It was very heavy, and I used very foul language many times. Once my husband smashed my hand between the dresser and the door frame, and I struggled not to call him a fucking bastard. I told him to slow down and quit pushing, but he just figures he can muscle the damn thing through the door. Finally it was done.

My step-son and his girlfriend showed up around 6 p.m. and I got completely trashed on wine. Feeling a little hung over this morning. I am watching Sophie for Becca, and thank God I only have to hang out with this sweet girl for most of the day instead of moving more furniture. She is such a cute kid. We always have a good time together.

I still need to go to the store and find a computer desk today. I know that whatever I pick out, I'll have to put the damn thing together. I could wait for Ken to come home from work, but I am the type of person that wants to get things done and over with. No waiting! So I'm sure I will end up doing it myself, and be in a crappy mood for a while after. Why can't things come already assembled? Why is that so hard? I am not a carpenter, for Christ's sake, I want my desk to be ready to just throw in the fucking room, instead of sorting out boards and fucking screws for two hours.

As you can see, I am not really looking forward to more furniture shit today.

Funny visitor question
Visitor: I need a vehicle pass.
Ranger Kodi: Are you going to any other National Parks on your vacation?
Visitor: There's more than one?

Sweet Wilderness

So, I'm back. The backpack was super fun. There were a few set backs, however. We didn't hit the trail until 3:00 p.m. because I had to do a program for 75 children at 1:00 on Friday. I got that finished (whew!), threw my stuff in my bag and met Amanda on the trail. It was a pleasant hike in, nice and cloudy with a little breeze. We hiked about 5 miles in to our campsite. Jared was waiting there already (he had packed in the night before). We cooked our dinner, discussing Leave No Trace techniques until bedtime. What is it about eating in the outdoors? EVERYTHING tastes good. I could eat rocks with cheese, and it would taste good in the wilderness.

During my discussion, I felt something crawling on my foot. I thought it was an ant, and didn't worry about it, and kept lecturing. It crawled between my toes, and I clenched my toes together. I looked down, and there was big black spider legs sticking out between my toes. Yeck!!!! Jared thought it was hilarious. I just calmly cleaned the spider guts out of my toes, and continued my lesson.

That night I was sleeping in the tent, and having terrible dreams. I dreamed all these people were hiking the trail, and breaking the rules and I couldn't stop them. It was very stressfully.

The next morning, it started raining, and it rained and rained and rained and rained. We hiked out in mud and muck, soaked to the skin and I loved every bleeding minute of it. I was pure mud from the knees down, and my fleece jacket was so soaked I had to keep ringing it out as I hiked.

I slept well in my own bed Saturday night, after a wonderful party with my friends. I was stiff and sore, but very content. Sunday morning, Kiri and I saddled up the horses and went for a ride. It was fabulous. However, any muscles that weren't sore before the horseback ride, were screaming for mercy after. All in all a wonderful weekend. I took my friend Jennifer's daughter riding on Monday, but I let Kiri and her ride while I smoked cigarettes in secret behind the shed.

My house is dirty and the laundry is piling up, but I don't care. I had a great weekend.

Hittin' the trail

So, I finally got the pic's of my new horse. Isn't she great! As I mentioned in my last blog, we had a great time at my parent's house. My dad is remodeling the house, so my mother is going to stay with me for a week while the walls are torn out of the kitchen. Whooo Hoooo. I haven't spent more than a few consecutive days with my mom for a long time. It will certainly be fun, and interesting.

I'm heading out into the backcountry for an overnight hike tomorrow. I do a Leave No Trace training trip every year for new employees. I love hiking. And I love getting paid to hike. I have to admit, I miss Kiri terribly while I'm gone. I usually look forward to getting a big Mountain Dew and seeing my child (in that order) when I finally get off the trail on an overnight trip.

I am also inordinately proud of all my scars obtained from stupid and daring things I have done in my life. When I drink too much, I usually start showing everyone my assortment of bruises, scrapes, sprains, and scars. I'm sure my friends are very tired of it, but for some reason it makes me feel like superwoman to have done the things I have and survived them. I suppose I'm arrogant and obnoxious, but well, when the booze is flowing in my veins, I make my friends suffer through yet another telling of the time I hiked four miles out of Ash Creek with a severely sprained ankle. Or the time I got bucked off my horse when I was twelve, and shattered all 6 of my front teeth. I feel the need to prove I'm not getting old. I am strong, damnit. Just not too smart, and I have terrible luck. And still , I ride horses and hike inspite of my many mishaps. Sorry to all my dear friends who deal with my arrogance on a weekly basis, ohhhing and ahhhing appropriately at my iron woman toughness. I love ya for feeding my foolish self absorption. I usually come to my senses quickly, and you are more than welcome to tell me to shut up.

I'll blog again on Sunday, complaining of being sore and tired, yet secretly hoping you will all tell me I'm wonderful.

God, I'm so insecure it is sickening.

Beautiful! 

Me and my gorgeous new horse 

Kiri playing with my new horse, Mimi 

Kiri's impersonation of Paris Hilton 

Kiri with bad allergies 

Kiri and I swimming, baby 

My father, Reed, singing "Hot Stuff" 

My brother Shane singing karaoke 

Booze, Sun, Family, and Horses

Wow. I haven't posted anything in a while. Becca says I'm a total blog slacker, which is quite true. I keep meaning to post, then get caught up in other things, and well, that's my lame excuse.

I have so much to talk about. It has been a very interesting week. Memorial Day sucked. It was busy as hell, and we were short on staff. I ended up only getting one day off that week. However, I took the following Saturday off for a fun-filled 3 day weekend at my parents house. My brother was also visiting my folks, so it ended up being somewhat of a rare family get together.

First off, before I even left town, I had to get the horse trailer. My parents had given Kiri a horse for her birthday clear back in January, and we still hadn't picked her up. Kiri was very anxious to get her horse, so I decided this trip was an excellent excuse to bring horses home. I was borrowing my dad's older horse to ride with her for a while. So, I'm completely stressed trying to get horse trailer, clothes, games, gifts, tent(we were sleeping outside), food, and all the other items involved with a trip to see the fam. Fortunately, I thought to bring the xbox. More on that in a minute.

Finally we hit the road, trailer in tow. It's a glorious afternoon. I finally arrive at my folks house 2 hours later, and my brother is already there with his ginormous camp trailer (spoiled brat). I hadn't seen my brother Shane in a while, so was super pleased to see he was already there. AND lo and behold, my dad had bought a big pool and was filling it up as I pulled in. YIPEE. It also happens to be Shane's birthday as well, and he shows me the cool portable DVD player my parents had given him. I commence to tell him that he has always been the golden boy of the family and gets the best gifts. Totally teasing of course, my folks had given me a washer and dryer a while back, so I really wasn't complaining. Then I go over to the barn to see the new little baby horse. He was only a week old and totally adorable. As I'm there I notice a new horse. She's gorgeous. Black and white paint with perfect conformation and a pretty little head. I walk over to her and she's friendly as hell. She sniffs my hair and licks my face, spreading goobers all over me, but I really don't care. I very casually joke to my brother that I wish my parents would give me this horse instead of the old one I'm borrowing. Then my dad walks up and asks me if I like his new mare. I tell him yes in no uncertain terms. Then he says "Well, Kodi, we bought her for you. She's yours." HOLY SHIT. I have a new horse. A GORGEOUS HORSE!!!!!!!! Hurray. Then I feel a little guilty about complaining about the old horse, and calling Shane the golden boy.

So complete bliss. We hop in the pool and progress to the drinking of much alcohol. I break out the Xbox, and my Karaoke Revolution. We are all having a blast singing and drinking. My dad, who is completely tone deaf, starts singing "Looking for some Hot Stuff" I have never laughed so hard in my life! My 61 year old very religious father singin looking for some hot stuff baby this evening totally off key was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time.

So needless to say, it was a great trip. I'm glad to be home. I took some snapshots of the new horse, and will post them soon.

Funny Visitor Questions:
"Are there any hiking trails I can take my car on?"(no, hence the important word HIKING)
"Do Eagle Scouts get into the Parks for free?"(no, we charge them double)
"Is there anything else I can do with my kids in the Park besides driving and hiking?" (no, our roller coaster isn't finished yet)
"Is it worth driving up the scenic drive?" (hmmmm, well since they usually make national parks in the ugliest places, it probably isn't worth it)

Smells like Teen Spirit

When my daughter takes a bath, I find it amazing that she doesn't wash her makeup off. I mean, seriously, how many coats of mascara can you keep putting on your lashes before they fall out? I guess I shouldn't complain, she used to not bathe at all. I had to physically force her into the tub, clear up until she was 11. It's an improvement. However, I wonder, if she doesn't wash her face when she showers, what else isn't she washing? I've seen her underwear. I wash them all the time. Her nether regions definitely NEED a good scrub on a regular basis. But she won't let me see her naked anymore, and would be horrified if I tried to suggest she wash "down there". I guess as long as I can't smell her, then I won't worry about it. She does wear too much perfume too. Crickey.

Work went fairly well today. I think I am finally pulling out of my slump. I got everything done that I needed to, with no stress or problems. Things will be crazy this memorial day weekend. Isn't it funny that on a holiday that we are supposed to remember those close to us who have passed on, we all decide to invade the forests and parks instead? I guess my grandpa would have rather we have fun as a family than mope around his grave. Unfortunately, I have to work on the big summer holidays, so I get to deal with the massive amounts of people visiting the Park. Many of whom are lost, or think they can get from one end of the state to the other in 2 hours. I often get a look of shock and dismay when I tell them the nearest restaurant heading south is 25 miles away. What, no McDonald on every corner? This is America, damn it! But, I love my job, so again, I really shouldn't complain.

Funny Visitor Quote of the Day
"So, this is a Scenic Drive? Is it scenic?"

Love to you all.

My Lazy Ass

It's my day off. So was yesterday. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I haven't done any of the goals I set for myself for the weekend. I got WAY too drunk on Saturday night, and burst into tears while playing a game with my friends. I feel stupid, and slightly depressed about it all. I don't cry, hardly ever. Sometimes I'll cry during a really good movie, but it is pretty rare. I don't know what happened. We were all having a great time, and I just started crying. I think I'm losing it.

So, Sunday I had a pretty good headache and just moped around the house. Took a nap, did the dishes and some grocery shopping, but that was it. I wanted to plant flowers and clean my house. Not just a surface clean but a good scrubbing (it needs it). But I didn't do it. Then today I just watched movies and downloaded songs on my mp3 player. Right now I'm trying to find the motivation to go for a good long walk. That will probably make me feel better. But I just feel kinda blue.

Kiri has only 3 more days left of school. I feel depressed about that too. It's nice having Monday's all to myself for most of the day. No husband, no kid, no work. I love it. Now I will be sharing Mondays with Kiri. I mean, I love my kid, but I deserve one day a week to myself without feeling guilty. Now I sound petulant and self absorbed.

Okay, I'm going to force myself to go for a walk (God, it's hot out there), then I will have a drink and be lazy for the rest of the day. Maybe next weekend will be more productive.

How does she learn to lie so well?

So this morning Kiri informed that it was "field day" at school, and therefore she didn't need to bother attending. I quickly informed her that she was indeed attending school today insipid of it being field day. She then told me, looking straight into my eyes, that the principal of the school had announced over the intercom yesterday that those students who wished to stay home on Friday (field day) may do so. Did she really think I would buy that? Honestly, for about 2 seconds I almost did. But then I quickly came to my senses and told her if she didn't get up for school, I would call the principal and ask him if he had announced a "come if you feel like it" day. And if I found she had lied to me, she would be grounded for a month. That did the trick, she sullenly got up and got ready for school.
I would have never dared lie so blatantly to my mother when I was her age. I also really liked field days, so I wanted to go to school.

Middle school is soooooo hard. I hated those weird gawky years in Middle school. But I still attended, and maybe only cut class twice in 3 years. Both times I felt guilty and anxious about the school work I would need to make up, because I felt responsible to make up my work and get good grades. It was important to me.

Somehow Kiri managed to bring her social studies grade up from a D to a B in 3 weeks. I was happy she did this, but she doesn't realize that in High School, there isn't a hurry up and get all your missing homework in at the last minute option. God, I'm worried about her going to High School in two years. I hope she matures some before then, and takes school seriously. She wants a cool car, and nice clothes, and a big house when she grows up, but she won't get that working at the Comfort Inn as a maid (which she has told me she plans to do next year, as this hotel will hire girls 14 years old to clean rooms. I think I'll let her do it, and then she'll realize how hard that kind of work is). What happened to the dreams of being a wildlife photography?

I always knew I was going to college. There was really no option. That is what I planned, and that is what I did. Granted, I got married, got pregnant and divorced all in six months, and that changed the plan drastically. But even as a single mom, I still took classes and slowly got my degree.

I guess I can't live through her and push my dreams and hopes on her shoulders, but I really wish I could give her a swift kick in the ass and a large dose of reality. I want her to feel successful in her life, whether she goes to college or not. But I'd prefer she go to college.

Off subject. I thought I'd put in the "funny visitor quote of the day" at the end of my blogs. I see tons of people every day visiting the Park, and I love the bizarre questions I get pretty much every day. So here goes.

"Do ravens eat peanuts or lizards?"
Ranger Kodi's answer "Er, both"

The Big Question

My daughter asked me the Big Question. It wasn't the one you're probably thinking of, we had the "sex talk" a long time ago. The physics and anatomy of sex are not a mystery to Kiri anymore. Besides, I just signed a waiver for her Health class to teach about Sexually transmitted diseases. So, she's pretty savvy on the idea of it all.
No, the big question was "Who did you have sex with the first time mom, and how old were you?" I've always been very straight forward and honest with Kiri about sex since she started being curious enough about it to ask me questions. We've discussed many things, including periods, erections, date rape, and the physical pain of losing your virginity. But, it was very hard to be honest about this question. Do I tell her I was 19 and was a guy I had just met? Or do I lie and tell her I lost my virginity to her real father? God, it was so hard to talk about. It was weird, cuz we've always been comfortable talking about lots of things most mothers would shy away from. I told her the truth, but also said I hoped she made better decisions in her life than I had. I got married then pregnant with her shortly after. I never once regretted having her. In many ways I feel like she saved my life. If I hadn't gotten pregnant with her, I would not have had the courage to leave my first husband and go back to college. I would've stayed with the lying bastard for who knows how long and suffered the emotional trauma day after day, year after year. My life is so much better because I had her.

But if she is asking me this, does it mean she's thinking about having sex? Did I subtly encourage her to have sex? I hope our honesty and open conversations will discourage her from sex for a long time.

I will post pictures of Kiri in her formal dress soon. I only have a point and shoot, so I need to scan and download. I want to buy a digital camera right now! In fact, I think I will.

Long hike, hot day, my feet are killing me. 

I hate when I act like a space cadet

I am not stupid. At least I hope I'm not. I usually have a very scheduled life and everything fits into place the way I plan. Every now and then I do something stupid that throws my whole routine off, and I go into freak out mode. I hate when I do something really dumb, that I had planned out, but spaced off and didn't follow through, and now look like a blithering idiot.
Where I work, we get student interns that come learn the ropes and earn college credit. We had a new intern show up tonight. I was supposed to leave the house open for him, and the key on the table. I forgot to. So the poor kid gets locked out of his temporary housing, and I have to drive out at 8:30 p.m to unlock the door and let him in. And I'm supposed to be his boss, so I'm sure he's thinking "What an idiot. What have I got myself into with this hopeless basketcase?"
Now I'll stew about it for the rest of the night. I don't like making mistakes!

How to begin. Well, I have a 13 year old daughter, who looks 17 and has two distinct personalities. The first personality is my favorite. This one is when she laughs with me, wants to go catch nightcrawlers and garter snakes, and asks me questions like she believes I'm the foremost expert on anything worth knowing. The second personality is moody, capricious, likes to roll her eyes at me like I'm the dumbest human to inhabit the earth, messy, inconsiderate, and a pain in the ass. They are both my daughter. My only child, and the best thing that ever happened to me.

This week we had a first. The first time we shopped for a formal dress so she could go to the Mardi Gra Ball. I loved every minute of it. She must've tried on 20 dresses. One was this sexy black strappy number that made her look like Angelina Jolie. WAY too sexy. We nixed that one (though I tried it on later and I looked like Rodney Dangerfield in a dress, if Rodney Dangerfield were short with big boobs). She settled on a beautiful blue dress. So next we looked for shoes and a purse to match.

I hate shopping. Next to laundry, shopping is my least favorite chore. But we had a blast, and when she got ready for the ball, I felt like I was going to cry she was so pretty. God, just when you think you can't take one more day of being a mother, something happens that makes you burn inside with how much you love being a mother.
I've been listing in my head the things that matter the most to me, and deciding which ones really do matter, and which actually don't.

THOSE THINGS THAT REALLY DO MATTER
1. My daughter
2. My husband, though sometimes it is hard to put him on the "matter" list
3. My friends, without whom I would've gone bonkers long ago
4. Good books
5. Long hikes that make your bones ache for days after, but give you a sense of accomplishment
6. Chocolate
7. Taking time to dance, by yourself, crazily, usually with a pretend microphone in your hand
8. A good glass of wine with my friends, laughing and hanging out, playing silly games like karaoke revolution

THOSE THINGS I THOUGHT MATTERED BUT REALLY DON'T
1. Having a spotless house, which I have never really had, but always felt guilty about
2. Making everyone happy. This has bit me in the ass many times
3. Cooking dinner every night
4. When my husband throws something away I thought I wanted. Really it's just about junk anyway
5. Worrying about if I should go over to Becca's house and drink wine, or stay home and watch bullriding with my husband so he won't be angry with me. Let him be angry, damn it. I don't want to watch bullriding. I want to see Becca.