I had the worst dream last night. I dreamed that I was a chaperone at Kiri's school for a dance, and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was searching and searching, when I decided to check out the old dilapidated building behind the school (why there was an run down hovel behind the school never seemed relevant). I found Kiri in this dirty shed having sex with some dude, and I wigged out. I was screaming and crying, telling her I was sending her away to boarding school, and oh my god did you use protection, what if you're pregnant, my world is crashing down around me. And Kiri just calmly and coldly told me she could do whatever she wanted and there was nothing I could do to stop her. I woke up at that point, still crying. It was such a relief to realize it was a dream.
That made me think of some re-occurring dreams I have had all my life. I wonder what they mean, if anything. One common dream of mine is that I have super powers to shoot lightning out of my fingers, but I have to concentrate really hard, and sometimes it won't work. When I dream of flying, I don't flap my arms, but I swim through the air, or sometimes glide using air currents.
I often dream about hiding from someone that is trying to hurt me, and as I am running around evading this mystery killer, I realize I have forgotten to put on my shoes, and the loss of my shoes is more distressing than being chased by a maniac.
I have dreamed that I was a man on several occasions, and a very sexy man at that. I will even have sex with a woman, while I am a man in my dreams. Weird.
Dreams of snakes are also pretty common. I work with snakes for my job, so that's probably where the theme comes into the picture. Once I dreamed that my mail lady brought me a bucket of sea snakes, and we decided to go into my bedroom and smoke some weed. Whilst we were toking up, the snakes got loose, and the rest of the dream was my running around trying to catch them all without being bitten.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Funny Stories
Last week at work a very nice couple came into the Visitor Center. They saw the poster we have on the wall advertising the National Park Pass. The poster has a picture of Yellowstone with geysers and bison.
Nice man: Do you have buffalo in the Park here?
Ranger Kodi: No, that is of Yellowstone.
Nice woman: Geez, honey. Everyone knows that Yellowstone is in California.
I laughed under my breath, not wanting to offend anyone. I suppose a lot of people would get Yellowstone and Yosemite mixed up, but it was quite amusing as the lady seemed quite smug in her vast knowledge of National Parks.
We also had a Student Intern who wanted to know what kind of bats were in the Park. He was getting quite frustrated looking through the Bird book for bats until I informed him that bats were not, in fact, birds. Bats were mammals. He was quite sheepish.
I hiked Taylor Creek with some people from the BLM (A different federal land agency), and it was nice, but cold.
Kiri unbeknownst to me attended a rock concert on Saturday night, and when I found out about it I wasn't too happy. I reprimanded her for not telling me where she was and she replied in a very flippant way "Mom, it was a Christian Rock Band, there was no alcohol or drugs, and ALL my friends were there." That shut me up for a minute, but then I told her that if she ever goes out again without telling me, she would be grounded every weekend for a long long time. She didn't seem to feel the threat was serious because she just flounced away. I miss being her best friend. I miss her thinking I was fun to hang out with. I miss feeling close to my daughter. I don't want to alienate her, but I don't want to let her run wild either. I am at a loss on how to relate to her anymore.
Some good news. My parents are coming to my house for Thanksgiving this year. I was asking my mother what her plans for the holiday were, and she said she didn't feel good enough to travel all the way to my grandmother's house, and as she had inadvertently burned her oven up, as well as a good portion of the kitchen, they would probably eat thanksgiving at a restaurant. To which I replied "Come to my house!", and my mother's answer was "Can you even cook a turkey?". I assured her that YES, I can cook a turkey. Just because I was a tomboy throughout childhood, and had no interest in learning how to cook, I have since been forced to learn after the birth of my child. So indeed, Kodi can cook. And by God, it will be fabulous! My misspent youth haunts me to this day.
Nice man: Do you have buffalo in the Park here?
Ranger Kodi: No, that is of Yellowstone.
Nice woman: Geez, honey. Everyone knows that Yellowstone is in California.
I laughed under my breath, not wanting to offend anyone. I suppose a lot of people would get Yellowstone and Yosemite mixed up, but it was quite amusing as the lady seemed quite smug in her vast knowledge of National Parks.
We also had a Student Intern who wanted to know what kind of bats were in the Park. He was getting quite frustrated looking through the Bird book for bats until I informed him that bats were not, in fact, birds. Bats were mammals. He was quite sheepish.
I hiked Taylor Creek with some people from the BLM (A different federal land agency), and it was nice, but cold.
Kiri unbeknownst to me attended a rock concert on Saturday night, and when I found out about it I wasn't too happy. I reprimanded her for not telling me where she was and she replied in a very flippant way "Mom, it was a Christian Rock Band, there was no alcohol or drugs, and ALL my friends were there." That shut me up for a minute, but then I told her that if she ever goes out again without telling me, she would be grounded every weekend for a long long time. She didn't seem to feel the threat was serious because she just flounced away. I miss being her best friend. I miss her thinking I was fun to hang out with. I miss feeling close to my daughter. I don't want to alienate her, but I don't want to let her run wild either. I am at a loss on how to relate to her anymore.
Some good news. My parents are coming to my house for Thanksgiving this year. I was asking my mother what her plans for the holiday were, and she said she didn't feel good enough to travel all the way to my grandmother's house, and as she had inadvertently burned her oven up, as well as a good portion of the kitchen, they would probably eat thanksgiving at a restaurant. To which I replied "Come to my house!", and my mother's answer was "Can you even cook a turkey?". I assured her that YES, I can cook a turkey. Just because I was a tomboy throughout childhood, and had no interest in learning how to cook, I have since been forced to learn after the birth of my child. So indeed, Kodi can cook. And by God, it will be fabulous! My misspent youth haunts me to this day.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Some more ancient history
In answer to some of the questions concerning why I can't talk about Endangered Species, let me quickly explain. In Utah, there are several animals listed as endangered, including the Utah Prairie Dog and the Spotted Owl. Both of these animals are endangered because of loss of habitat. To protect habitat for these animals, certain restrictions have been enforced that anger the local population. If, by chance, you have Prairie Dogs on private property, the landowner cannot develop his land at all because of the animal's presence. So, that really pisses people off. The locals here do not care at all for the local wildlife population unless it can be hunted. So I hope that helps with your questions.
Some of you expressed interest in the tales of my first marriage. I'll go into some of it now.
I met Eric when I was 19 in one of my college drama classes. He was gorgeous, 6'4", and muscular. I was surprised and deeply flattered that he showed interest in little ole' me. It was a whirlwind romance, and he was kind and generous. I fell deeply in love with him, and we were engaged 2 months after we met, much to my parents chagrin. They tried to talk me out of marrying him, but I was sure he was the one for me. There were warning signs for sure, like his fascination with knives and guns, and some of the stories he told me about his life struck everyone as fairytales, but I ignored them.
We were married 1 month after the engagement, and then my eyes were truly opened. For one thing, he couldn't seem to hold a job down for more than a couple weeks, yet had plenty of money. He was insanely jealous, and I slowly distanced myself from all my friends and family because he would fly into a rage if I showed affection to anyone, including my father. We fought constantly, and this soon escalated into physical violence. I would often go to work, waitressing, with bruises and my co-workers would ask me what happened and I would tell them with a laugh that I fell off my horse, or I was wrestling with my husband and it was an accident.
Eric would secretly follow me everywhere, and one time he was watching me at work without my knowledge. When I got home, he was livid, screaming at me that I was flirting with the customers, and bending low over the tables to pour coffee so that the men could look at my cleavage. This fight was the worst ever. We yelled and screamed for hours, at one point I tried to leave and he grabbed me on the sidewalk outside our home and tried to drag me back into the house. Some kind stranger stopped in her car, and told me to get in, that she would take me wherever I needed to go to get away from Eric. Eric verbally abused the woman, then threatened to kill her if she didn't leave. She did leave, and to this day I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her for her kindness. The fight continued in the house. Eric was much bigger than I. At the time, I was 5'3" and around 100 pounds. The stress of the marriage had caused me to loose 20 pounds in about 2 months. He would throw me around like a rag doll. I finally told him I was going to bed, and I couldn't fight anymore. I had to go to work in a few hours. I tried to ignore him as he continued to tell me I was a slut and a fucking whore. At one point he pulled out his hunting knife, and I truly thought he was going to kill me.
Because I was stupid, I stayed with him, suffering more fights and abuse for another month. Then he got arrested for impersonating an officer, and burglary. Now I understood where the money was coming from. He was a thief.
My life was pure misery, and I had no one to go to. I was too embarrassed to go to my family, and I had cut off all my ties with my friends. Then I found out I was pregnant. When I told Eric I was pregnant, he told me it couldn't be his child because he knew he was unable to have children (a total lie). He accused me once again of having an affair. When the fight became violent, I was afraid of losing the baby. That is what gave me the courage to leave for good. I grabbed as much stuff as I could and ran for the car. He punched the window of the car in and tried to pull me out, but I was able to start the car, and leave. I filed for divorce the next week. When I say that my daughter saved my life, I really believe it is true. If I hadn't of gotten pregnant with Kiri, I would have stayed with that fucking bastard, and he would have eventually killed me.
I moved in with my parents, who were so relieved that I was back and away from Eric. Within a couple months of leaving Eric, I went back to college and finished my Associates Degree at home. Then I moved into my own apartment, and finished up my Bachelors at Southern Utah University.
Eric tried to intimidate me to come back to him, but none of that worked anymore. All I cared about was Kiri, and her well being. Eventually, Eric just disappeared. I do know he was in prison for a couple years for burglary. I had his parental rights terminated, and that was that.
The hardest thing for me was that I had always thought of myself as a strong woman, someone who wouldn't take shit from anyone. But Eric showed me that I was weak and afraid. It was a huge blow to my self confidence and self image, and I suffered from depression for a long time after the divorce. Now, I think I am somewhat cold, and I don't open up to people very well. Becca and my friends here are the first friends I've allowed myself in a long time. The frienships I have now have helped me to be less negative and bitter. Kendall is the exact opposite of Eric, soft spoken, laid back, quiet. I think that is why I married him.
Anyway, that is my sad story. I am no longer ashamed of my first marriage. It taught me to be independent, and that I can achieve my goals without any help from anyone.
Some of you expressed interest in the tales of my first marriage. I'll go into some of it now.
I met Eric when I was 19 in one of my college drama classes. He was gorgeous, 6'4", and muscular. I was surprised and deeply flattered that he showed interest in little ole' me. It was a whirlwind romance, and he was kind and generous. I fell deeply in love with him, and we were engaged 2 months after we met, much to my parents chagrin. They tried to talk me out of marrying him, but I was sure he was the one for me. There were warning signs for sure, like his fascination with knives and guns, and some of the stories he told me about his life struck everyone as fairytales, but I ignored them.
We were married 1 month after the engagement, and then my eyes were truly opened. For one thing, he couldn't seem to hold a job down for more than a couple weeks, yet had plenty of money. He was insanely jealous, and I slowly distanced myself from all my friends and family because he would fly into a rage if I showed affection to anyone, including my father. We fought constantly, and this soon escalated into physical violence. I would often go to work, waitressing, with bruises and my co-workers would ask me what happened and I would tell them with a laugh that I fell off my horse, or I was wrestling with my husband and it was an accident.
Eric would secretly follow me everywhere, and one time he was watching me at work without my knowledge. When I got home, he was livid, screaming at me that I was flirting with the customers, and bending low over the tables to pour coffee so that the men could look at my cleavage. This fight was the worst ever. We yelled and screamed for hours, at one point I tried to leave and he grabbed me on the sidewalk outside our home and tried to drag me back into the house. Some kind stranger stopped in her car, and told me to get in, that she would take me wherever I needed to go to get away from Eric. Eric verbally abused the woman, then threatened to kill her if she didn't leave. She did leave, and to this day I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her for her kindness. The fight continued in the house. Eric was much bigger than I. At the time, I was 5'3" and around 100 pounds. The stress of the marriage had caused me to loose 20 pounds in about 2 months. He would throw me around like a rag doll. I finally told him I was going to bed, and I couldn't fight anymore. I had to go to work in a few hours. I tried to ignore him as he continued to tell me I was a slut and a fucking whore. At one point he pulled out his hunting knife, and I truly thought he was going to kill me.
Because I was stupid, I stayed with him, suffering more fights and abuse for another month. Then he got arrested for impersonating an officer, and burglary. Now I understood where the money was coming from. He was a thief.
My life was pure misery, and I had no one to go to. I was too embarrassed to go to my family, and I had cut off all my ties with my friends. Then I found out I was pregnant. When I told Eric I was pregnant, he told me it couldn't be his child because he knew he was unable to have children (a total lie). He accused me once again of having an affair. When the fight became violent, I was afraid of losing the baby. That is what gave me the courage to leave for good. I grabbed as much stuff as I could and ran for the car. He punched the window of the car in and tried to pull me out, but I was able to start the car, and leave. I filed for divorce the next week. When I say that my daughter saved my life, I really believe it is true. If I hadn't of gotten pregnant with Kiri, I would have stayed with that fucking bastard, and he would have eventually killed me.
I moved in with my parents, who were so relieved that I was back and away from Eric. Within a couple months of leaving Eric, I went back to college and finished my Associates Degree at home. Then I moved into my own apartment, and finished up my Bachelors at Southern Utah University.
Eric tried to intimidate me to come back to him, but none of that worked anymore. All I cared about was Kiri, and her well being. Eventually, Eric just disappeared. I do know he was in prison for a couple years for burglary. I had his parental rights terminated, and that was that.
The hardest thing for me was that I had always thought of myself as a strong woman, someone who wouldn't take shit from anyone. But Eric showed me that I was weak and afraid. It was a huge blow to my self confidence and self image, and I suffered from depression for a long time after the divorce. Now, I think I am somewhat cold, and I don't open up to people very well. Becca and my friends here are the first friends I've allowed myself in a long time. The frienships I have now have helped me to be less negative and bitter. Kendall is the exact opposite of Eric, soft spoken, laid back, quiet. I think that is why I married him.
Anyway, that is my sad story. I am no longer ashamed of my first marriage. It taught me to be independent, and that I can achieve my goals without any help from anyone.
Monday, November 07, 2005
ho hum
It has been a week with a whole lotta nothin'. The only bright spot in the entire week is when I had friends over on Saturday night. We watched a little "Scarface" and mostly just talked. I had a great time.
Not much going on right now. I am going to do some school programs tomorrow for a local 4th grade class. I always enjoy that. I am not sure if I'll be able to bring the snakes, as it is quite cold outside. The don't do so well in the frigid arctic air. It's the whole ectothermic thing. But here is a list of things I have learned while doing programs at elementary schools.
1. Never ask "are there any questions?" without qualifying what exactly you mean by questions. If there are no limits, the children will tell you fantastic stories about cobras coming out of their grandmother's couch, fathers killing a rattlesnake 10 feet long, or the time they stuck their tongue on the ice in the freezer and it stuck. So instead you must say "Are there any questions? and by questions I mean sentences starting with who, where, what, when, why, and how that relate to the subject I have been discussing for the past hour."
2. Never leave your cool props and visuals unattended in a classroom. The children don't steal them, but are so fascinated they cannot keep their hands off and usually end up breaking something.
3. Warn the children before pulling the live snake out of the bag unless you want mini burst of mass hysteria.
4. Never mention hunting, endangered species, or environmentalists in the classroom, or you won't be asked back the following year. I find it challenging to teach these children without talking about these topics, especially endangered species, but these are touchy subjects and many parents will call and complain if they knew they were being taught in class.
5. Be careful what games you play in the class to demonstrate your point. I usually play a web game with string and the children are different plants and animals all connected in a pretend ecosystem. Some child invariably puts the string around their neck (why?) and pretends to die in a dramatic tumble to the ground.
6. When playing a variation of tag that involves some students being deer and others being cougars, make sure you let them know this is touch tag, not kick tag, hit tag, trip tag, or tackle tag, or the blood will flow.
7. If you do your best and let them see how much you love your job, and enjoy being in their classroom, the kids will remember you forever. I had one girl recognize me in the grocery store and scream "Ranger Kodi!" and give me a huge hug. All the while her mother is eyeing me like I am some kind of pervert until I explain that I once did a program in this girl's class, and she must have liked it.
Cheers!
Not much going on right now. I am going to do some school programs tomorrow for a local 4th grade class. I always enjoy that. I am not sure if I'll be able to bring the snakes, as it is quite cold outside. The don't do so well in the frigid arctic air. It's the whole ectothermic thing. But here is a list of things I have learned while doing programs at elementary schools.
1. Never ask "are there any questions?" without qualifying what exactly you mean by questions. If there are no limits, the children will tell you fantastic stories about cobras coming out of their grandmother's couch, fathers killing a rattlesnake 10 feet long, or the time they stuck their tongue on the ice in the freezer and it stuck. So instead you must say "Are there any questions? and by questions I mean sentences starting with who, where, what, when, why, and how that relate to the subject I have been discussing for the past hour."
2. Never leave your cool props and visuals unattended in a classroom. The children don't steal them, but are so fascinated they cannot keep their hands off and usually end up breaking something.
3. Warn the children before pulling the live snake out of the bag unless you want mini burst of mass hysteria.
4. Never mention hunting, endangered species, or environmentalists in the classroom, or you won't be asked back the following year. I find it challenging to teach these children without talking about these topics, especially endangered species, but these are touchy subjects and many parents will call and complain if they knew they were being taught in class.
5. Be careful what games you play in the class to demonstrate your point. I usually play a web game with string and the children are different plants and animals all connected in a pretend ecosystem. Some child invariably puts the string around their neck (why?) and pretends to die in a dramatic tumble to the ground.
6. When playing a variation of tag that involves some students being deer and others being cougars, make sure you let them know this is touch tag, not kick tag, hit tag, trip tag, or tackle tag, or the blood will flow.
7. If you do your best and let them see how much you love your job, and enjoy being in their classroom, the kids will remember you forever. I had one girl recognize me in the grocery store and scream "Ranger Kodi!" and give me a huge hug. All the while her mother is eyeing me like I am some kind of pervert until I explain that I once did a program in this girl's class, and she must have liked it.
Cheers!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
My little girl
I'm going to steal from my friend's blogs once again and tell you some things you may not know about Kiri.
1. She kicks ass in science (A daughter after my own heart)
2. She is very shy and quiet most of the time.
3. She was named after the warrior/slave girl from the movie "Beastmaster"
4. She loves her Grandpa Reed almost more than she loves me
5. She is an incredible creative writer, but too shy to show her work
6. She gets her feelings hurt very easily, and unfortunately most of the time it is my fault.
7. She can play a mean game of basketball
8. She is the most kind and loving person I have ever met, and I am proud to be her mother
9. Her first word was Baba
10. She started walking at 81/2 months of age
11. Her middle name is Aase, which is my Norwegian grandmother's name. I wanted her to know and love her Scandinavian heritage
12. She once threw up all over me in the Science Building as I was heading in to turn in some homework for the class I missed because she was sick.
13. At 2 years old, she pulled the fire alarm on the Science Building while I was talking to my genetics teacher and the entire building was evacuated
14. She is smarter than I was at her age.
15. She has started a blog herself and you can link to it from my page.
I love you baby.
1. She kicks ass in science (A daughter after my own heart)
2. She is very shy and quiet most of the time.
3. She was named after the warrior/slave girl from the movie "Beastmaster"
4. She loves her Grandpa Reed almost more than she loves me
5. She is an incredible creative writer, but too shy to show her work
6. She gets her feelings hurt very easily, and unfortunately most of the time it is my fault.
7. She can play a mean game of basketball
8. She is the most kind and loving person I have ever met, and I am proud to be her mother
9. Her first word was Baba
10. She started walking at 81/2 months of age
11. Her middle name is Aase, which is my Norwegian grandmother's name. I wanted her to know and love her Scandinavian heritage
12. She once threw up all over me in the Science Building as I was heading in to turn in some homework for the class I missed because she was sick.
13. At 2 years old, she pulled the fire alarm on the Science Building while I was talking to my genetics teacher and the entire building was evacuated
14. She is smarter than I was at her age.
15. She has started a blog herself and you can link to it from my page.
I love you baby.
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