I will be honest with you all. I am drunk. At this very moment I am drunk-blogging. So, take it or leave it, the things that will follow are heavily influenced by alcohol.
I am totally fucked up. I am a fuck up. Anyone who knows me knows what a totaly loser I am.
I haven't filed for divorce yet, even though I do not love my husband. He is a shit, and I should hate him. Instead I feel this fucked up sense of obligation to the man I spent the last 13 years with. I don't want to hurt anyone, so instead I just drag things on until they implode.
I drink too much. I smoke too much. My daughter hates me. My mom has cancer. I just want to cry.
I wish.....I wish I were different. I wish I were as strong as I thought I was. I am weak. I am a coward. Sometimes, when I am not numb or drunk, I hate myself. I can't sleep, or eat, or do anything productive. What the hell use am I, anyway?
Sorry. I also apologize too much.
Nevermind. I'm just drunk.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
Upside Down and Backwards
I have been debating whether to post about what is happening in my life, but as I can't sleep anymore EVER, I decided what the hell. Post God damn it. So. I turned 36 on July 27th, and I left my husband almost 2 months ago. I will be 36 and divorced twice. Single mom again. But in reality, I have always been a single mom. I accept my failings in that department. I never let my husband really be a Dad to Kiri, but then he never tried very hard anyway.
Fuck.
Okay, I'm done talking about that.
Lets talk about funny, possibly gay Italian men visiting my Park and wanting me to be in their strange topless and oiled picture (they were topless and oiled, I was strictly following uniform standards and kept my shirt on). These incredibly funny, good looking Italian men were at the top of our road, and I happened to be getting off of a hike when they were taking pictures of themselves. They immediately accosted me to be in one of their pictures, and I relented. I talked with them for a good half hour and enjoyed every minute of it. A different funny German tourist took our picture and these guys were hugging me like I was their sister. I say sister because I do believe they were gay, or I just couldn't believe anyone, even strange Italian men, would flirt with my 36 year old self. They had rented a red 2007 Mustang for their vacation and were debating with me as to whether or not they could get to Bryce Canyon in 1 hour instead of the requisite 2. I had a great time.
And again a happy happy birthday to MissuzJ. You rock. I love you.
Now it is time to lay sleepless in my bed again. Goodnight.
Fuck.
Okay, I'm done talking about that.
Lets talk about funny, possibly gay Italian men visiting my Park and wanting me to be in their strange topless and oiled picture (they were topless and oiled, I was strictly following uniform standards and kept my shirt on). These incredibly funny, good looking Italian men were at the top of our road, and I happened to be getting off of a hike when they were taking pictures of themselves. They immediately accosted me to be in one of their pictures, and I relented. I talked with them for a good half hour and enjoyed every minute of it. A different funny German tourist took our picture and these guys were hugging me like I was their sister. I say sister because I do believe they were gay, or I just couldn't believe anyone, even strange Italian men, would flirt with my 36 year old self. They had rented a red 2007 Mustang for their vacation and were debating with me as to whether or not they could get to Bryce Canyon in 1 hour instead of the requisite 2. I had a great time.
And again a happy happy birthday to MissuzJ. You rock. I love you.
Now it is time to lay sleepless in my bed again. Goodnight.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Super Cool!!!!
How cool is this shit??!!! I found this lil beauty in the service road at work. I watched him for about 20 minutes as he ate this squirrel, but he started to get pissy about me hanging around. I was afraid he would regurgitate his meal, so I left him to his dinner in peace. Fucking wicked cool! I can't quit talking about it. I was just...well....COOL!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Roughin' it
I'm enjoying my one day off this week. Doin nuthin. That's right, nothing. No laundry, no dishes, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing. It's sweet heaven.
I went to Boise for a week last month to learn how to "listen". Really to learn how to help someone work through a traumatic situation, like some fatality in the Park. I had to do a lot of role playing, and lead discussions of fictitious events, then get critiqued afterward. One of the criticisms I received was whenever I would begin to speak I would make a soft clicking sound first. A vocal tick much like saying "uh". So, I started paying more attention to the way I speak, and it is true. I click. Especially when I'm nervous. I'm a clicker. Kodi the clicker, that's me. Very humbling.
I then went to Fruita, Colorado in mid April, and am now, officially, a Tread Lightly Master Trainer! So, if you wish to learn how to Tread Lightly, I'm your master.
Next, I get to lead a Leave No Trace Master Educator course for a week. This involves backpacking for 4 days. Ah, hiking in 80 degree weather with a 45 lb pack, cooking dehydrated meals, peeing in the sage brush, drinking and eating sand, crawling into a bivy tent, slipping into your lightweight sleeping bag smelling like sweaty girl, and sleeping on a one inch pad. Only to wake up and repeat. God I love backpacking!!!!!!! Who seriously wouldn't? Makes me feel more alive than anything else in this world.
I'll try and post pictures of my backpack when I return.
I went to Boise for a week last month to learn how to "listen". Really to learn how to help someone work through a traumatic situation, like some fatality in the Park. I had to do a lot of role playing, and lead discussions of fictitious events, then get critiqued afterward. One of the criticisms I received was whenever I would begin to speak I would make a soft clicking sound first. A vocal tick much like saying "uh". So, I started paying more attention to the way I speak, and it is true. I click. Especially when I'm nervous. I'm a clicker. Kodi the clicker, that's me. Very humbling.
I then went to Fruita, Colorado in mid April, and am now, officially, a Tread Lightly Master Trainer! So, if you wish to learn how to Tread Lightly, I'm your master.
Next, I get to lead a Leave No Trace Master Educator course for a week. This involves backpacking for 4 days. Ah, hiking in 80 degree weather with a 45 lb pack, cooking dehydrated meals, peeing in the sage brush, drinking and eating sand, crawling into a bivy tent, slipping into your lightweight sleeping bag smelling like sweaty girl, and sleeping on a one inch pad. Only to wake up and repeat. God I love backpacking!!!!!!! Who seriously wouldn't? Makes me feel more alive than anything else in this world.
I'll try and post pictures of my backpack when I return.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Boot scootin boogie
I was at Becca's house the other night singing CMT karaoke revolution, and she totally rocked that song "Boot Scootin Boogie". I am constantly amazed at how great a singer that girl is.
So, hmmmmm. What's been going on for the last 3 months? Work, Kiri shit, Husband shit, and yet even more work.
Kiri is absofucking driving me crazy lately. She thinks she can do whatever she likes, and when I try to ground her, she just ignores it and still does whatever she likes. EVERY morning is a fight to get her ready for school. I usually drive her the couple blocks to school as it is on my way out to work, but she is always late. When I tell her to hurry, she yells "Shut up" or "I KNOW!!!!" and that pisses me off, so I yell back, and then I end up running late for work and in a foul mood. God, teen girls are beyond aggravating.
I'm heading to Boise, Idaho this month for training. I'll be gone for a week. Then I'll be gone for a week the beginning of April for a conference, THEN I'll be backpacking for a week at the end of April. All this should be fun and exciting, but all I can think of is "What the hell will my daughter be doing while I'm away?" She has no respect for Kendall, so thats no help. I don't know what to do with her. I'm completely drained, and feel like saying "go ahead and fuck your life up". But of course I can't say that, so hence the stress and worry.
Maybe I'm stressing too much. I mean she's not pregnant, and I don't think she's on drugs, and her grades are excellent. But what if I let my guard down, and she gets pregnant and becomes a meth addict? What then?
So, that's my life. Riding herd on a 15 year old brilliant beautiful strong-willed stubborn girl. Lord help me.
So, hmmmmm. What's been going on for the last 3 months? Work, Kiri shit, Husband shit, and yet even more work.
Kiri is absofucking driving me crazy lately. She thinks she can do whatever she likes, and when I try to ground her, she just ignores it and still does whatever she likes. EVERY morning is a fight to get her ready for school. I usually drive her the couple blocks to school as it is on my way out to work, but she is always late. When I tell her to hurry, she yells "Shut up" or "I KNOW!!!!" and that pisses me off, so I yell back, and then I end up running late for work and in a foul mood. God, teen girls are beyond aggravating.
I'm heading to Boise, Idaho this month for training. I'll be gone for a week. Then I'll be gone for a week the beginning of April for a conference, THEN I'll be backpacking for a week at the end of April. All this should be fun and exciting, but all I can think of is "What the hell will my daughter be doing while I'm away?" She has no respect for Kendall, so thats no help. I don't know what to do with her. I'm completely drained, and feel like saying "go ahead and fuck your life up". But of course I can't say that, so hence the stress and worry.
Maybe I'm stressing too much. I mean she's not pregnant, and I don't think she's on drugs, and her grades are excellent. But what if I let my guard down, and she gets pregnant and becomes a meth addict? What then?
So, that's my life. Riding herd on a 15 year old brilliant beautiful strong-willed stubborn girl. Lord help me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
