I will be honest with you all. I am drunk. At this very moment I am drunk-blogging. So, take it or leave it, the things that will follow are heavily influenced by alcohol.
I am totally fucked up. I am a fuck up. Anyone who knows me knows what a totaly loser I am.
I haven't filed for divorce yet, even though I do not love my husband. He is a shit, and I should hate him. Instead I feel this fucked up sense of obligation to the man I spent the last 13 years with. I don't want to hurt anyone, so instead I just drag things on until they implode.
I drink too much. I smoke too much. My daughter hates me. My mom has cancer. I just want to cry.
I wish.....I wish I were different. I wish I were as strong as I thought I was. I am weak. I am a coward. Sometimes, when I am not numb or drunk, I hate myself. I can't sleep, or eat, or do anything productive. What the hell use am I, anyway?
Sorry. I also apologize too much.
Nevermind. I'm just drunk.
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4 comments:
you are perfect exactly how you are. there is no law that says you have to get divorced immediately. I could address everything you say point by point but I also know that sometimes when you feel this way, it doesn't matter what other people say. what I'm saying is...it won't always feel this way. can you see your way through it? can you wait it out? it'll pass. if you can't wait it out...there's no shame in holing up, or showing up on a friend's doorstep, or freaking out at the doctor's office till you get something to make you feel better.
you're not a fuck up, you're normal. just like me!
Kodi.
When you get drunk and depressed, you are suppose to CALL ME! No arguments here that your life has been a shit-ball the last little while, but YOU are not a shit ball. You are my precious, precious Kodikins and I love you.
Please come over tonight. Or we can go to a movie.
I love you, love you, love you!
We are all weak. We are all fuck ups. And there is no easy or right way to dissolve a marriage - and there should not be.
I hope things are looking up and you are feeling better.
I'm so sorry about your Mom - and your daughter - it's a stage.
Kods,
This post breaks my heart because I am so far away and I can't just show up on your doorstep and tell you how you are so NOT a fuck up!!! And anyone who knows you, knows what a great person you are. Things suck, kids sometimes sucks but YOU my dear are awesome!! Who cares you haven't filed for divorce, it took me 2 YEARS to file and my husband was living with someone else!!! You can only do what you CAN DO! No one is keeping score.
I love you my dear cousin and please please please call me, or email me your phone number and I will call you. I love you!
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