There is absolutely nothing going on in my life at the moment. So, as I was reading my diary from when I was 14 (Kiri's present age), I thought I'd transcribe a few entries to show you what a shallow, self-absorbed girl I actually was. I, of course, thought of myself as all-knowing and incredibly sincere at the time. But I wasn't. Here goes.
July 12, 1985
I just got back from Lake Powell. It was a blast! We were at Rainbow Bridge (church group) and there was this really cute guy there. I said Hi to him and he said hi. When I went to the house boat he told me "to have a good time". I smiled and said "you too". Then I was up on the deck of the boat when he drove by, he slowed down and said "would you like to come along with us?" I laughed and said "no thanks". He left and I felt so good.
Feb 14 1987
I just got back from dancing at the game and I'm crying (note to readers, I was a memeber of the school drill team at the time). It's really been a crappy night. The game ended earlier than I thought, so I go to the Seven 11 to call for a ride. I find out Shane has already left to get me, so I go to mainstreet to wave him down. He finally finds me after a lot of running around and we drive home. I walk in and my dad starts saying stuff like "I hate it when you do this" I say "well, I'm sorry. I didn't want to stay out in the cold and wait a half an hour for someone to come get me. It was early, so I went to the sev. to call" He says" we set plans so that you don't have to walk around late at night". I say " I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong". He says" How do you think it makes me feel when you do this? You knew someone was coming when you did it". I said "I can't believe you actually believe I did it on purpose" Him, "That's not the point. You broke plans that you set". Me, "It ended early and I didn't want to get locked out in the cold." Him, " I don't want this to happen again and if it does you can bet there won't be a next time".
I didn't want to cry anymore so I just said "fine" and went to my room. I know he was right about somethings and I worried him, but I honestly didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I can see his point of view but he doesn't understand me, doesn't try to. I even hinted to him about coming and watching me dance. I said "I have to be there at six. It's our last performance of the season." He said "okay" then turns to my mom and says "Well, what should we do tonight then? Go to a movie?"
It hurt me bit I didn't say anything cause I didn't think they'd want to come. My mother has never come to see me dance. I wonder if they care.
As you can see by the two entries, I was a typical self-absorbed child. It was weird to read about my father getting angry over me walking around at dark. I would have totally been pissed at Kiri if she did that. But then again, I would have gone to see her dance.
Stupid post, but it gives me some reminders of how hard it is to be a teen.
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6 comments:
I don't think it sounds as self-absorbed as you think it does! I am still kind of hurt to this day that my parents didn't find the time to see me cheerlead. It makes you feel unimportant and even as adults we want to be important to people in our lives. But at least as parents ourselves we make our children and their activities a priority in our lives and I am sure they will appreciate it when they are older. And hopefully they won't have diary entries like yours/ours!
If I had lived closer you could bet I would have been there girl!!!!!
Not a stupid post at all. I loved reading the words of teenage Kodi. AND I think you were perfectly justified in feeling bad that your parents didn't come watch you dance.
Been missing you the last few days. Let's get the fuck out of this rut and DO something.
aw. I too know how much it sucks when your parents don't seem to be interested in the stuff you do. for me, it was soccer and choir.
you actually sounded pretty with-it and not as self absorbed as I would have expected from a typical 14 year old.
how does kiri like reading these things? must make you seem more human to her.
I agree that you didn't sound self absorbed. You thought about why your Dad was mad and said you could see his point of view - that is empathy , and it is atypical of a 14 year old. And you are totally justified to have felt jilted that they didn't come and see you dance.
I wish I had kept a journal back when I was a teenager - if I had I hope I would have been wise enough to revisit it and remind myself how it felt then.
You are a GREAT mom - and from you entries I would have been proud to have you as my daughter also. I would have been there to see you dance every chance I could - I still think every Friday Night in the fall how much I miss the girls being on the dance team and the boy playing football so I could go watch the game.
I agree with everyone else that you were showing real perspective taking and that you were justified in being hurt. It's amazing that you were able to put all of that into words at 14. I bet that you can also see how even such small snippets of your life has affected you as a parent. That's fascinating to me.
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